If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
