booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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