I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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