You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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