I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Shame is for Republicans.
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