a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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