I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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