even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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