Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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