VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
