I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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