1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
