Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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