I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
