I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
