Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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