I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
