He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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