oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
