Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
That reminds me...we need to get swords
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
