Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize