I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
