Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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