When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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