I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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