my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
