I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
