i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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