how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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