Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
