I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
