omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
