I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
