I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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