He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
