I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
