she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
