She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
