you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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