i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
