Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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