don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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