Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
