I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
