I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.