happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.