Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
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I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
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Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.