On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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