She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
