my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
