I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Randomize
