I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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