I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
