Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
