I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
