I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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