when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
