Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
