I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
