I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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