They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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