apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
