Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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